allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
