I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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