If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize