I'm laying in your front yard are you home
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i want to swaddle you in tequila
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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