I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
