I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
