so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
