i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
