My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
