took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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