Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
