my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I don't deserve a penis
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
