Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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