Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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