in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
