Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I came so hard my ears popped.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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