Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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