are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize