I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
as a side note pls kill me
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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