I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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