mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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