I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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