I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
