I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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