I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
