he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
