i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
