Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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