dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
