Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
