Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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