You just made me feel so damn special
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
