After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
