Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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