How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
