Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
