So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
