Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
