she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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