my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize