Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
