My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
