i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
