i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
