My underwear smells like fireworks.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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