Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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