i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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