Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
