I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
