One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
