Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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