And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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