cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
