so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
