I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
