Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
