i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
